Hi Pastor,My Name Is Lance Benjamin,24 years old and from south africa.I'm having a problem and i really need guidance and advice.
Pastor, i recently decided that i wanted to ask my girlfriend to marry me.But i read a book called " BOY MEETS GIRL", it gives a christian perpesctive on dating a relationships.In one of the chapters it said that just before asking to your girlfriend to marry u,the two of you should have a night where any question could be asked and that those questions should be answered honestly.

Let me give you some background,i have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years now and we have never been physically involved(not even kissing).I'm still a virgin.but my girlfriend is not.

So that night of the questions came and 1 of the questions that i asked her was " How many guys she had slept with in her lifetime?"
She told me that she had slept with 15 guys.I then found that i knew 3 of those guys.she told me that she never slept with any of them while we were dating.
Now all i can think about are all these guys she had slept with and that i have been saving myself for marriage.its been going on for 2 months now and its really stressing me out. The way i feel about her has even changed.I cant look at her the same way i did before i knew.
i know that im not suppossed to judge.but it s difficult for me to accept what she told me.I'm even thinking of not asking her to marry me any more.

Please pastor help me?

Hello Lance,

I have been waiting for a response from Steve or his son Shawn, the 'pastors' of this web site and ministry. I know they will respond, but may be waiting for others to do so as well.

Each of us has an "old past" in what we have done, said, or thought. Our 'old past' many times is embarrasing to us, so we don't bring it up or think much about it. Daily, men and woman commit sin in various ways, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes in a fleeting fashion. What hidden sins may rest within you, somewhere in your past? While you proclaim you have saved yourself for your marriage, have you looked at a woman with lust? Have you lied to others, been boastful, proud, or resentful? Have you desired what others have, felt hate, unrightous anger, or self pity?

Lance, you seem to be an honorable and loving man. I respect your vulnerability. I also respect your future wife's honesty and courage for telling you of her past. You should too. Be rejoiceful that God has shown you a woman who is truthful and trusts you enough to share her inner most secrets with you in love. It seems God is about to join a wonderful man and woman together, if you will take the next step to know truely what "love" means. God tells us in scripture.

When I was considering marriage, I meditated on what is commonly referred to as the 'love' chapter, 1 Corinthians 13. The beautiful words contained in this passage provide a map or a guidebook to a happy marriage. This is from the Contemporary English Version:

1 Corinthians 13

Love

1What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels?
If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge?
And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing, unless I loved others.
3What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive? [a]
I would gain nothing, unless I loved others.
4 Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude.
5 Love isn't selfish or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do.
6Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.
7Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
8Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages
will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten.
9We don't know everything, and our prophecies are not complete.
10But what is perfect will someday appear, and what isn't perfect will then disappear.
11When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do.
But when we grew up, we quit our childish ways.
12Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror.
Later we will see him face to face.
We don't know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us.
13For now there are faith, hope, and love.
But of these three, the greatest is love.

Notice in the latter part of verse 5. "Love doesnt keep a record of wrongs others do." This little bit of advice is probably one of the most important truths to a happy marriage you will ever read.

Notice verse 6. We are to rejoice in truth, not in evil. Be thankful your wife shared the truth with you. Unforgiveness is evil and we are to not partake of it.

Once past the honeymoon stage of marriage, there will be numerous opportunities for you to point out your wife's faults to her, recall her past mistakes, and generally use her past against her to gain an advantage in argument. Such is the way of sin and unforgiveness. The enemy, who will try to destroy your marriage, will do his measly best to have you strike your wife down, use her 'old past' against her. Such is the way of sin.

God has a better way, my friend. Now, before you join her in marriage, forgive her completely, just as God has forgiven her and you too for your past mistakes. Do not keep a record of her wrongs. Do rejoice in truth and not evil. You may benefit from counseling with your local pastor on this subject. God will help you forgive, but you must want that to happen.

May God bless your walk with Him and your future marriage.

Nick P.

Lance,

Nick has given some very sound advise. I have been married for over 4 years and understand the importance of knowing the heart of the person you will be marring. It is good that you both are being very honest about your past. The important question that you have to ask your self and pray about is, "Is my wife the same person she was when she was sleeping with other people in her past?" "Does she regret her past in that particular area and know that it was wrong and against God's will?" If she has a repentant heart about her past mistakes just like you do about your past mistakes, then God will take care of the rest when you enter into marriage if you allow Him to. It will be difficult for a while to forget about your wife's past, but slowly or maybe even very quickly you will see your wife completely for who she is today. Nick talked about forgiveness and that will be something that you will have to do with the help of Jesus Christ. I hope the best for you both and will pray for you.

(2 Corinthians 5:16-18)

16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:

Thank You my brothers for your wonderful words of encouragement and guidance.I know that the words spoken were from biblically sound and anointed people of God.I have taken your words to heart and decided that the things you said have to be put into practice.
Thank you again
God Bless you