I always been a daddy girl when I was little and as a women almost 40years old; I still love my father with that same girlish love.

Today my father came over to talk with me about the house and things got a little out of control. As he started to talk about my cousin Cynthia, once again he started to talk about all she has done for me not realizing I have done more for her than she ever has done for me. The pain goes back to my childhood. Instead of saying wonderful positive things, its always-negative thoughts that comes out of his mouth. Pain has always been a part of my life and today it still resign within. The story goes like this; see my cousin was living with me in my parent’s old house. My parents had ask me a coupler years ago when I had a townhouse, would I be interested in moving into their home. They knew at the time my cousin and I currently was looking for a house together. She had just moved out of her apartment. Anyway, my cousin back in January had decided to move out because of financial reasons and the fact that the house was too far from her job. So, everything filled on me. This was something she addressed to my parents around the being of January and instead of moving out in March like she told them, she did it in January instead (without them knowing this). I did not find out until the day she moved out. She had assured my parents that she was going to stay until March, but like I just stated, she quickly change that story so everything became my responsibility, knowing I was out on disability. Not giving me anytime to save any extra money. I then phoned my parents on the day she was moving to tell them this was her last day living here. They could not believe Cynthia could do such a thing to them. I became the problem and not her. They kept asking me what did I do wrong. The problem was not I; it was Cynthia.

So, today we talked about how much I can afford to pay on my own since my cousin left me with this huge responsibility. Everything got heated when my father started talking about her issues. Like she was some kind of kid. She is 38 years old. As I stated above, he would say wonderful things about her and made me look like the victim. For the first time ever, I comforted him on that issue. IT hurt me so deep within, but this thing went all the way back to my childhood. I told him when are you going to see the good things in me. Then we started to yell at each other. I was hurt because, he always even before my cousin mother died over 20yrs ago would say good and wonderful things about her or others, but never anything really good about me or even my brothers. We needed to feel loved too. Will getting back on target, I started crying saying you guys speaking of my father and stepmother never really have anything good to say about me, they just want to control my life. It’s about control still to this day and they do not see it. My stepmother always treated me badly until I finally moved out. She would say things to me that I would never say to a child. She always tried to control my life and whatever came out of her mouth was negative. So, when things got out of control with my father and it went all the way back to the past. I love my dad so much, but they never give me an opportunity to speak my heart. Everything is a cover up in our family. It must stay hidden. I am sick and tried of not addressing my feeling. My hurt and pain. My father told me I never listen to him; on the contrary it was he never hearing me out. Not understanding my hurt/ pain. I am working two jobs while out on disability to make ends meet. This is something I did before my cousin moved out too. When I was working, I always was a hard worker never asking for my parents help. I mean never! I always did nice and wonderful things for them and still somehow they always tried to find something negative to say about me. I was abuse as a child and still feel like I am facing the same abused, but in a different way. Please pray for my father and me, I love him so much but its time for them to stop talking negatively about me but what we can do together as a family! I need to hear I love you and we can get thru this... Its so much to this story but I diced not to get too detail.

I will pray for you, your father, and your whole family. Your need to feel accepted and loved from your father is very understandable. Be encouraged! Jesus is there to fill any gaps in your heart. He knows how valuable you are and what your needs are. Pray to Him and ask Him to take this burden from you. It will likely be a daily process. In the meantime, continue to pray for your father and for your relationship with him. Ask God to give you the strength to love your Dad when it might be difficult to. As a side note, if you haven't already done so, you might want to write a letter to your father. Genuinely and gently tell him how you feel and have felt over the years. You might be able to explain your heart better on paper. This might also allow you to say everything you want to say at once. But at the end of the day, know that God loves and knows you. You are His child. He will fill any gaps in your heart left by earthly relationships.

6Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-8)


16 But I will sing of your strength,

in the morning I will sing of your love;

for you are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble.
(Psalm 59:16)