This post is very long but it is not a pity party, I've already had those; this is a genuine cry for help, Please!

More than a year ago, I received a much awaited phone call from my husband who was deployed to Afghanistan at the time; that was the last normal day I have had since.

He told me that night that he'd had an affair. He told me that it happened while we were living in Germany and he had come back to Georgia for a military school 2yrs ago. He began to talk about his pain and suffering and how he felt lonely and depressed for so long. He even said that he had considered suicide. Even though he had NEVER said anything to me or NEVER seemed depressed, I began to feel pain for him and guilt for not doing something to help. (He by nature was a quiet man and I was constantly trying to get him to open up to me but he never did. His child hood was marled and horrible so I attributed his behavior to this and respected his silence. After a while it began to feel as though I was begging him for the simple details of his life and it angered me. Each time I would talk to him it would resolve itself for a while and then things would go back to the way they were.)

It was only God's grace and mercy that carried me until he came home 2 months later for leave. I didn't want to see him but I wanted closure, we had been talking on the phone since the disclosure but none of it was real for me. Finally he came home which was now Hawaii. I had so many hopes for my marriage and family; I thought maybe time in paradise would inspire some intimacy, anything.

He was lying about the details of the affair. He did have an affair; well actually 5 in 2 years time at least that is what he says. I find it impossible to believe anything he says at this point. A friend I had confided in suggested I pray and ask God to reveal the truth and my path so I did. I perceived that he did just that. I was pathetic, I had become a professional detective by then, everything was cause for an investigation and I traced the activity on my computer and found out about an affair. We had been talking about things and I still hurt for him as well as myself and he was lying. He was writing her emails to an email account (jesseandjohn2004, their code names it's like 5th grade all over); ending them with I love you even while on leave lying to my face. Of course after I gave him her name and the fact that I read the emails he confessed the affair. I wrote her an email telling her to stop writing to my husband, I quoted scriptures about marriage and sexual sin but I also disgraced myself and my father by calling her a slut preferring only married men.

My perception that God, Himself, was giving me the information was fed even more because a day or so later, I intercepted an email from a women's husband, letting my husband know that he knew about the affair my husband had while deployed to Iraq with his wife. That night I literally begged my husband to come clean and chance that we could survive it. He wouldn't, he almost seemed arrogant about the whole thing. That night grace moved in I didn't just want to kill him, I wanted to watch him die because I my eyes he had killed my husband and deserved worst than death. I thank God, for not allowing this to happen and I realize that it could have so easily happened but it didn't.

I now had leverage over him and used it to rip confessions of an affair that occurred just after arriving in Iraq but just before the other affair I spoke of before. He claims to not even remember the name of this woman; I actually have come to believe him because I can't think of one reason he would lie. The thought that he could have sex on more than one occasion and not remember the name of the woman shames and disgusts me. When I thin back to his return from Iraq, I remember he told me he had gotten saved before he left. I asked him why but did not dig because the news felt like a blessing from God himself. When he confessed his next affair hope and whatever perspective I had left if any went away in that moment.

We were moving to Hawaii and we had to ship our vehicle and time was short so I stayed behind to take care of it so he could visit his mother in the Dominican Republic. He repaid me by having an affair with some woman he met at a bar in a foreign country that doesn't have a mail system and he couldn't remember her name either. I guess he forgot about HIV as well. I did not think I could take anymore and his last confession killed any hope I had left.

I was in Virginia caring for my father who was battling care that had come out of remission. In a conversation I had with my husband he told me how badly he needed me to come home and I began to feel guilty and I went. It was just a quick trip about a month and then my husband came along with me to attend a school in Georgia. When I returned to Virginia, my father had gone from walking talking and laughing to a vision of death, he stopped eating and was literally starving to death and railing in pain. I was caring for my father, dealing with the shock of his condition yet I was driving 6 or 7 hours to Georgia to pick him up for the weekend knowing I had to take him back by Monday morning and be gone as little time as possible to care for my father. I lost my father, he's gone forever and my repaid me by having an affair, while I was grieving the death of my father.

This was his first affair; the first cut is the deepest. I had just found a relationship with my father, he lost his way when I was younger and he bought so much grief to the family that I don't believe the others struggle even now to completely forgive. I did though and it was though our lost time was made up and he was there for me as an adult. I carry a guilt for his death, I do not believe I could have prevented it but I do believe I could have prevented some of his agony. When I think of starving to death, I feel like he gave up because he thought no one cared if he lived. Just before I left he seemed so frail and he thanked me for taking care of him "this long" he said. I asked him if he wanted me to cancel my flight and of course he said no and at the airport I got so sick I almost missed the flight. Hindsight caused me to believe I made the wrong decision and made my dad feel abandoned. The guilt at times is so unbearable but the irony of it all was I never felt closer to my husband than when I was going through this, it was the happiest time of my entire marriage and unknowing to me the saddest. I can still remember scenes from what I thought were happy times.

I have only told one friend about what I am going through; my version of this portion of the story. I believe she is Godly counsel but I do not want this to way her down. She has truly been a blessing to me and I would not want to cause her any harm. My only other sources have been online posting much like this one. So far, most just say, I have to take it one day at a time. I had to rip every confession from my husband in pieces. I do not understand any of this. I have so many unanswered questions which I have been told, I should just try to forget or get over. Ever spent an entire day trying to remember lyrics or a trivial question? The thirst could sometimes last all day. Now imagine the questions I must be trying to get over. It took me a long while to actually speak of forgiveness and I have just begun to pray for my enemies. I'm not sure if I ever had an enemy in my life, perhaps at one time I may have considered my father my enemy but if so I forgave him perhaps even completely. Not because I am so good but because my childhood broke me in good and I just wanted to happy and I was blessed for a long time with joy. I feel guilty because I am complaining so much now, so many suffered so much worse than me , so much earlier. I would rather absorb the pain and suffer rather than grieve someone, I thought if I went through life trying my best to not step on any toes.

My husband doesn't believe we need any counseling. He believes he has the power to fix me. He was more than ready to move on and reap the benefits. I recognize myself less everyday. More than a year has gone by and I thought that I could just deny how I feel and pretend and play house as though no damage has been done. My rotten insides are beginning to ooze out. I have denied the emotions behind my husbands touch and I have hatred in my heart for physical intimacy afterwards I would suppress urges to tear away my flesh. I can not stand to look in a mirror. I can not bear to be touched, even the touch of my son seems to physically hurt me and I have had to master suppressing my desire to pull away. I lose hours at a time sitting in one place, I think about dying so I can rest and I have a desire to just run away. My husband just left for another deployment about a week ago this time to Iraq, I think if he had been home just one more day, I would have totally lost touch with reality; I began to think about, even wish that he would get what he deserves this time. I convinced myself that I was on my way to totally forgiving him and the others and yet I found myself wishing he would never return. I confessed it in prayer and I have been suppressing all thoughts about him and it was working until he called.

He has made promises and says he has changed but I don't know what to believe anymore and at this point I don't have the energy to care. All I know is since he has been gone I have struggled but I also have begun to feel something other than agony. I still struggle as I did before but I also have some time of calm. I don't want to curse anyone to death and I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't want to suffer from this anymore. I want closure. I used to feel like I needed full disclosure from my husband to give me some closure but now that I have thought about it, it seems twisted to believe that he would actually tell the truth after not disclosing for so long. I just want peace. I don't want anyone else to suffer and I don't want anymore pain to come from this, I just need peace. I have so many "ITEs" pressing me, I don't know if my prayer is effective. I need intercession!
Is the value of a marriage worth more than its parts?

My heart breaks for what you have experienced...I am reminded of a saviour that not only forgives, but "heals the brokenhearted". I would encourage to seek out a woman christian counselor who can help you sort this through. I also went through a difficult time in my life and the Lord was faithful and merciful and provided everything I needed for the journey. I believe He is raising you up to minister to hurting women (as He did me), and I pray you will not fail. May our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ richly bless you during this time. love and blessings, fran

As I read your post I felt more concern for your emotional state right now than what has happened in the past and cannot be undone. I too would urge you to seek counsel and benefit from this time that you are apart. Dwelling upon the wrong done, will not help you get over the pain. These are my suggestions -- When you find yourself thinking of it, channel your thoughts in another direction. Not in a way that would bury your thoughts, but just give time for the pain to subside. Think of things you can do for others. God's plan for us to love Him and to love others is very healing. And while your husband is in Iraq, let him know that you are still sensitive to his needs by sending care packages as often as you can. When your husband returns, he will see that you are not "broken" and hopefully, he will recognize his own need.

God bless you. You will be in my prayers,

Chelki

Dear Searching -

First let me say, I know how much you are hurting. This happened to me two years ago and I felt that my world had exploded and that I had lost everything I loved and treasured in life. I too thought that my spouse had only cheated once during our marriage but discovered since that it had been multiple times.

The emptiness, betrayal, hurt, disgust, anger and hatred that I felt toward my spouse was incredible. Not only that, I honestly felt a tremendous amount of anger toward God. How could a good God let so many rotten things happen to me while my other half seems to have moved on their merry little way? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? I was after all faithful and loved my spouse with every fiber of my being.

For months I struggled with all of the unanswered questions and the inability to make any sense of any of it. Honestly, there are times that I still struggle with it if I allow myself to dwell on it too long.

I want to share some things that I have learned along the way...you may or may not agree with them but I have fond them to be true in my life.

First, we all need to know how to fight the battles of life, and respond to suffering in our lives, in a Godly manner. It is a fallen world; it's only a matter of time before we will have to face a battle.

A.) The key to victory prior to the battle is PREPARATION.
1) When you are adequately prepared, when you know what to do, you will win.
2) But if you are not prepared, you can be sincere, courageous, or tireless, but you will fail.

B.) The key to victory in the battle is EXECUTION.
1) When the battle comes you need to do the right thing, the right way and at the right time if you are going to win.
2) Execution takes time, energy and practice, but it will change not just what you do, but how you think and live.

C.)God has prepared us to win all of life's battles, from the smallest to the greatest.
1)God has been in the business of helping to defeat the giants in the world for a long time.
2)It usually seems as though the odds are impossible and that is so that He gets the credit.

Secondly, part of being prepared for handling suffering in a Godly manner is to first have a theology of suffering.

1.) Life is hard, but God is good.

Hard – John 16:33 – "In the world you will have tribulations, but take heart for I have overcome the world."

Good – Psalm 84:11 – "The Lord God is a sun and shield, He give grace and glory. No good thing will he withhold to them that walk uprightly."

The Lord God is a sun; He is an unlimited resource.
The Lord God is a shield; He is all of the protection you need.
He gives grace; He gives us what we don't deserve.
He gives glory; he wants to see His sons exalted.

2.) Life is unjust; but God is sovereign.

Life is not fair. Luke 13 - The tower of Siloam had fallen on some people. Were these people any less spiritual? Life is unfair. It is a fallen world. Examine yourselves and make sure you repent.

3.) The Old Testament Roots of suffering.

Genesis 37-50 Joseph's life. Joseph gives us the snapshot of how a good God in a fallen world, marred by sin will use even the evil of others and the falleness of man to work out His good plan and purpose and give the best even to us in a fallen world.

If you want to suffer well, Joseph needs to be one of your heroes. You need to be able to think through the life of Joseph life the back of your hand. You will get Joseph's life in yours!


There will be times:

(a) When you feel like you are in prison.
(b) A loved one or spouse may cheat on you and hurt you.
(c) When you help a co-worker and he'll betray you.
(d) When you are doing exactly what God wants you to do and someone will make false accusations about you.
(e) When you do all that you can and you say, God, God, God and all the resources, everything you have produces no change in your circumstances.
(f) You feel like you have ended up in a dungeon, overlooked, neglected and betrayed.


...But there is a little phrase tucked within chapters 37 – 50 that tells the story. It is, "...but the Lord was with Joseph..."

Joseph had a dream, a picture and a promise and though he did communicate in the best manner early on, he did understand that God is in control.


Joseph's adversity produced a man...:
(a) With tremendous humility.
(b) Whose heart was tender towards God.
(c) Who believed that God was in control.
(d) Who believed that God would fulfill His promises.
(e) ...and grace always flows downhill.

When God finds a humble man or woman, often battered by the difficulties of life, then He exalts him.


New Testament Roots of Suffering – Jesus
1 Peter 2:21-23 – It happens in the context of a time when Christians were being killed and used as torches for Nero's courts and they were being thrown to the lions.

1 Peter 2:21-23 - "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you leaving you an example that you should follow in His steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in His mouth. When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate, when he suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to the One who judges justly."

You have to learn to suffer well. Life is hard, but God is good, he is always for you. But this is a fallen world. We are living in Genesis 3 not Genesis 2.

Not only is life hard, it is unfair, it is unjust, it will never be right. But there is a God who is so awesome, so powerful, so majestic and holy, so completely other that He is in control and can orchestrate even the evil meant against you.

He (God)is in control , even when:
(a)The bubble broke and you lost all of your retirement.
(b)When you got the report that there is a malignancy and the doctor isn't sure what they can do.
(c)When you were a VP of this and living like that and now you've been out of work for the past 18 months.
(d)When your childhood sweetheart who you love and loved you stuck a note to the wall saying that he has run off with another woman.


You need to know and understand that now is not all there is. Life is not just about now. We are to trust ourselves to a faithful God, a judge who will judge justly. (Psalm 73)

Psa 73:1 No doubt about it! God is good-- good to good people, good to the good-hearted.
Psa 73:2 But I nearly missed it, missed seeing his goodness.
Psa 73:3 I was looking the other way, looking up to the people
Psa 73:4 At the top, envying the wicked who have it made,
Psa 73:5 Who have nothing to worry about, not a care in the whole wide world.
Psa 73:6 Pretentious with arrogance, they wear the latest fashions in violence,
Psa 73:7 Pampered and overfed, decked out in silk bows of silliness.
Psa 73:8 They jeer, using words to kill; they bully their way with words.
Psa 73:9 They're full of hot air, loudmouths disturbing the peace.
Psa 73:10 People actually listen to them--can you believe it? Like thirsty puppies, they lap up their words.
Psa 73:11 What's going on here? Is God out to lunch? Nobody's tending the store.
Psa 73:12 The wicked get by with everything; they have it made, piling up riches
Psa 73:13 I've been stupid to play by the rules; what has it gotten me?
Psa 73:14 A long run of bad luck, that's what-- a slap in the face every time I walk out the door.
Psa 73:15 If I'd have given in and talked like this, I would have betrayed your dear children.
Psa 73:16 Still, when I tried to figure it out, all I got was a splitting headache . . .
Psa 73:17 Until I entered the sanctuary of God. Then I saw the whole picture:
Psa 73:18 The slippery road you've put them on, with a final crash in a ditch of delusions.
Psa 73:19 In the blink of an eye, disaster! A blind curve in the dark, and--nightmare!
Psa 73:20 We wake up and rub our eyes... Nothing. There's nothing to them. And there never was.
Psa 73:21 When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy,
Psa 73:22 I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence.
Psa 73:23 I'm still in your presence, but you've taken my hand.
Psa 73:24 You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.
Psa 73:25 You're all I want in heaven! You're all I want on earth!
Psa 73:26 When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, GOD is rock-firm and faithful.
Psa 73:27 Look! Those who left you are falling apart! Deserters, they'll never be heard from again.
Psa 73:28 But I'm in the very presence of God. Oh, how refreshing it is! I've made Lord GOD my home. God, I'm telling the world what you do!


Until all of this washes out and we see the sovereign mind of God and what He does, in all eternity we will never understand.

If we are not made and wired for all eternity, then none of this makes any sense.


How do we respond to suffering?
a) God has given us a clear way to respond to suffering. That way is found in James 1:2-4 and it reads, "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Knowing, being assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."

Knowing – by way of experience; by way of our actual experiential knowledge with God and not your intellectual understanding.

The trial and proving – Greek (hupomeno); hupo – to be under; meno – the stress and pressure of something; staying power

Perfect – Greek (teleiosas) –it's what its ultimate end should be; complete in all its parts; perfected at the end of the task.


I know this sounds crazy but you must allow the suffering to do its job in your heart and mind so that God's purposes in a fallen world for the suffering in your character and in your life might come about.

Unless we get this square in our minds, here is how we respond to suffering...
(1) We blame other people.
(2) We go into denial.
(3) We get angry.
(4) We get bitter.
(5) We pretend that everything is ok.
(6) We shut down emotionally.
(7) We eat.
(8) We stay busy, busy, busy.
iv) We need to learn to suffer well. Learn to grow through it. We need to allow the pain and hurt of the adversity to come into our lives so that the Spirit of God can make us more like Christ.


Here are some practical Steps in Growing Through Suffering

a) Face it. Find out what you are concerned about.
i) Think about it.
ii) Talk about it in the right places with the right people.
iii) Write it down.

b) Pray honestly about it.
i) Pray real, honest, reverent prayers to God.
ii) Shut and listen for Him to respond.

c) Share where you are suffering with someone you trust.
i) Mentor
ii) Peer
iii) Go to a professional.
(1) Pastor
(2) Counselor.

d) Align specific scripture with your specific situation.

e) Is it a flesh issue?

Suffering is normal. It will either make you or it will break you so learn to suffer well. Prepare, get a clear theology of suffering and execute it.

If you begin to respond Godly to suffering, to grow through your pain you will be a different woman a year from now, a drastically different woman 5 years from now and in 10 years you will be the kind of woman that we will come to to ask questions of because you will have a tender heart, listening ears and you will have a maturity that few people have. Because those who have been wounded deeply and responded rightly know something about the Father's heart, about wisdom, about how to live life and about how to treat people few people know of and that is where true ministry begins.

I hope this helps you. It has helped me alot and like I said it is only my reflection and a product of my personal study.

Be strong and courageous. God is there and He know you are hurting. He loves you and will see you through this.

In Him,
Howard

Hello Searching,

Firstly, we are praying for you, that God's grace will lift you up and sustain you and your children in your torment. The torment you are living is evident in your words of pain and self degradation. As a general discussion of the Biblical position of divorce of an unfaithful spouse, perhaps the attached link to an article that discusses this subject will be helpful.

http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-f004.html

Secondly, permit me to comment on some of the topics contained in your posting.

Your husband appears to have tried to make you feel sorry for him after your discovery of his adulterous life style. This is not uncommon among men especially. Men are great excuse makers and have been so since Adam used an excuse to explain why he ate of the forbidden fruit (She gave it to me) Men haven't changed much. Excuses in men are meant to avoid accountability, and your husband appears to be a master of this artful way to manipulate truth. Many children have grown up from terrible homes and not committed the aggregeous adultery you have written of.

From your description of the events surrounding your life, it seems your husband is a habitual liar. People who lie continuously reach a place where their whole life is a lie. They can look you in the eye and not blink an eyelid while telling you the most outrageous lies imagineable. God calls us to be wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove. (Matthew 10:6) Do not degrade yourself for becoming an investigator of truth in relation to your husbands affairs. In my opinion, your actions were not pathetic and I admire you for your courage.

Overall, you seem to be blaming yourself for the sins of your husband and this is simply unjust, though not uncommon where spouses commit adultry. Ask God to help you stop blaming yourself any longer. Your husband's sins are not as a result of you, just as your own sins are not the responsibiity of your husband or anyone else. God commanded each believer to not commit adultery without reservation. Your husband has chosen to degrade your marriage and destroy his vows to you, not once but as a life style. There are no excuses or exceptions to God;s commandments to us, so please, for your sake, do not create any.

May I make more pointed suggestions of a practical nature:

1. Seek out a Bibically based counselor. Finding a counselor who will not take a Freudian view of your tragedy will be difficult but they are out there. Begin with your pastor for suggestions and interview several. Ask them to explain their approach to counseling and how the Bible relates to their plan of counseling. God's word must be preeminent in sound Christian counseling, not psychological rationalization.

2. Get a Christian lawyer. This may sound strange, but you need legal advice as to your rights in the event your husband continues his unrepentent lifestyle. At the least, you will have some legal help at the ready if you need it down the road.

3. Get a health checkup. Horribly enough, your husband may have infected you with something.

4. Demand your husband get counseling himself. Chaplains are present in Iraq and he need not wait to begin the process of restoration and repentence, if indeed that is in his heart. Believing he can "fix" you is like saying a robber can help the person he steals from. Again, this is his way of avoiding accountability and placing you in the role of the sick one.

We are praying for your healing, guidance, and wisdom. You are special in God's eyes, Searching.

Nick P.

I just want to say how proud I am of the people on this board. You are truly ministers in the Family of God, a wonderful demonstration of truth and love!

I would just like to say thank you, to everyone for your prayers and counsel. Confessing my own corrupt heart and reading your responses of hope/direction have actually given me some relief. Sometimes, I think knowing what to do, is less of a task than actually knowing how to do it and I thank you for your suggestions.

I ask that you pray for me to have the courage to do not what I can not do but what I must do.

SEARCHING

Searching,

I have been in your place before and I have been in many other really ugly places in my life. I want to share with you something that happened to me not too long ago. Perhaps it can work for you if you'd like to try it.

I was having a horrible time in my life for several reasons. I was overwhelmed and found myself asking why I was even born. I was angry, I was frightened, I was not me. I didn't like who I had become, and wanted to get rid of all of that.

So..

I sat on my bed, crying, and I said "Dear Father, I don't even know what to pray for at this point. So, I am humbly requesting that you just pick me up, hold me, and just let me be your daughter."

An overwhelming feeling of warmth, comfort and relief swept over me almost instantaneously! Then, He cleansed me by giving me the best cry I have ever had.

Had I not done that, I really don't know what frame of mind I would be in. Now, I ask Him quite often to just hold me, and He does.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the "fluff" of my daily life and all of its not-so-happy things that I almost go crazy. People do and say bad things to me and I feel like my emotions, moods and thoughts are spinning downward to a very un-Christian level.

God has since then helped me to recognize that spinning, and just stop...kneel, and ask to be held.

I have found a very peaceful way to just get grounded again and put myself back together with His loving help.

There is nothing like the peace and comfort I feel when He just holds me, in silence, and just lets me be his daughter.

I just wanted to share that with you, in case you need to do the same.

God Bless You!