I read another post about forgiving adultery, from the standpoint of the spouse who was betrayed. This good brother said, among other things, that he occasionally contemplated ending his life. I pray that he does not do that.

And yet, I am planning that very end for myself, because I am the one who betrayed my wife, and by fallout, my children, too. I have tried to justify my acts, viz., that it wasn't really adultery because I had experimented with members of my own gender, and that because I (1) hearkened to the "voices" of people who said that I "had to be true to myself" and/or (2) because I was sexually abused as a teen at a church-sponsored Scout camp.

But the fact is, I made incorrect choices and I threw away my family. I cannot blame them for wanting to rid themselves of me. (My oldest son, 23, encouraged his mother to evict me from the home and the family due to my problem with pornography; the rest came about when I confessed to my church leaders and was excommunicated. My next son, 20, said he told his therapist that he wants revenge, and that he hoped I get "everything I deserve; and my daughter, 17, wrote me and asked that I not call, write, attend church with them, etc. So my youngest son, 11, feels compelled to snub me as well.)

Somewhere I was reading that sin compels a man to turn to God and the Word of God with zeal, and I have done that, not just for show, but because I have been completely humbled and realize my total dependence on God. In seeking Him through prayer and through intense study of His Word, I have finally come to recognize that I really can claim the blessings of the Atonement of Christ. (I had always felt that I was "too far gone.")

What a joyous feeling that was to come to that realization. And in the process, I finally came to feel the love for my wife that I had been seeking for the 23.5 years that we have been married. I had been worried for that entire time that I couldn't love her due to my doubts of being attracted to women; I cared for her deeply, and we had a lot of fun together, I just didn't know what I was supposed to feel inside myself that said I loved her. Because I could finally feel love for myself, as a result of allowing the blessing of the Atonement into my heart, I could feel God's immense love for me, and I know that, if given the chance, I would love my wife with an incredible level of love for the rest of my life.

I have completely forsaken my quest for an "alternative lifestyle" and the people with whom I had experimented. I am not naive to think that I won't always be tempted, but I have a great desire to continue as a Godly man, one who loves his wife with all his heart, and wants to create a partnership with her and God through constant prayer and praise to God.

But it appears that my wife has no desire to forgive me and continue on with our marriage. I don't think our church leaders have even spoken with her on the subject.

As I was reading in Genesis 4:13, where God is chastising Cain for killing Abel, Cain says, "My punishment is greater than I can bear." I read another translation, which suggested that Cain really said, "My sin is too great to be forgiven."

And that's where I am now, that this sin is too great to be forgiven, not just because of the adultery, but that I chose to throw away my family. For that reason, I am now putting together plans to end my life. I thought that the mental and emotional inner torment of my sexual abuse (for 33 yrs.) or the realization that I was attracted to members of my own gender (for about 30 yrs.) but the torment of knowing how badly I have wounded my family is a thousand times greater than both of those combined.

I have been seeking a 4th miracle -- that my wife will reconsider and forgive me, recalling that there have been some good times, and that there are a few redeeming qualities about me. I play the piano and organ, and she is a singer; together, we actually form quite a powerful duo, one which could not only help others worship and praise God, but perhaps could help someone else out of this abyss or, better yet, avoid it altogether. (I say 4th miracle because I feel that He has already provided three, including the miracle of feeling love for the first time in my life.)

Hi Russ! What an awesome testimony. Even though there are still parts of this testimony that still need to be fit together, it is clear that God has been working in your life - and He's not done yet.

The one thing I will ask you to ponder is that there is a clear distinction between forgiveness and the consequences of sin. Your sin is completely forgiven when you believe that Jesus Christ died for the forgiveness of your sin. Your sin is washed away, forever. We might view this as related to our eternal consequences (Heaven and Hell). However, this says nothing about our temporal consequences while we walk this earth. Sin is almost never done in isolation. As you pointed out, others were very hurt. And this hurt may or may not heal. These are some of the consequences which may last a long time.

You cannot control whether someone else forgives you. You can only do what God calls you to do and continue to love your family, continue to give them lots and lots of time to gain your trust, and continue to love God with ALL your heart knowing that there is no sin too big for Him to forgive. You are His child, now commit to spending the rest of your life living as His child.

Thanks for the boldness of your post!

Hello Russ,

You do have an awesome testimony and story, but don't you end it or think that what you see and where you are is at the end....You have committed a lot of sin and iniquity as we all have, but don't you forsake the beautiful gift of His life He has given to you, for you live for Him and not for yourself...

As a woman I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the one that can not fully love You, and this is experience a lot of men have they can not respond nor love as a women needs to be responded to and loved...and a lot of hurting is coming from His women because they are not heard nor listened to nor loved as they should be, a lot feel like Leah and a lot feel the burden of carrying the weight and doing the job of two hands two roles too.

You have been given the gift of Grace and this is a song that came to me that I will put at the end, it came through for one that I know that can not release nor forgive - also for a lot of people, and this not forgiving is because, repentance, accountability and recompense is needed to not only bring His body and His people into maturity but also there is much hurt, and there are things I am finding it difficult to release too as with my son too and others etc...because of iniquity done...and only Lord Jesus Christ can give us forgiveness...and as you went to Him and you started to discover His amazing gift of Grace, YOu were released and I can see that you are not yet fully into His grace...nor fully in His sound.

the fullness of His Grace, is His completion of His plans for salvation, being by faith we are saved through grace, saving Grace, sovereign Grace, Majestic Grace and it is His life giving sound and when we are fed by His Grace By Faith, by Patience, by Humility, by Kindness and by Mercy...and this is what is truly needed, people will experience releasing, deliverance and yes forgiveness.

Also a lot of His people are effected by spiritual deafness and yes spiritual blindness...and spiritual deafness can harden hearts....when we hear we accept, we can be accepting...and when we see we receive and are receptive, and there are things that people have a hard time accepting and only He can give true acceptance right into our hearts...and this is what is happening for a lot of men in the Body of Christ...

Women need to come into the fulness of His Light, His Glory and when women enter into their fullness, and encouraged to do that and can be the women they were created to be, then men can also enter fully into their Grace, we are dependent on each other and we need each other...and I am glad that you are inspired to fully love Your wife in Him....and there are people in the Body of Christ that have had to live with splits and this is what is coming into being John 17...and yes reconciliation is in process but Russ, you need to understand this is a process that only Lord Jesus Christ gives to each person right into their hearts and what you need to do, is work with Him, help Him and keep ondoing what He is speaking to you and to do what He is inspiring you to do, for every step draws us closer to reconciliation, to unity and perfection...being His oneness in Him and each other...and pray for the Body of the body of Christ too, because there are many in the same situation seperated from the ones they love. and Russ when we have Him,we Have His Hope....His beautiful light in amongst the darkness...

also please realise you still have temptation for the same gender and so this is being dealt with at this time, because it will keep robbing you and your wife's good, if you got back together now, because of this temptation, this is related to stomach and appetite and what you have an appetite for, keep feeding on the Godly and the unGodly appetite will leave...and this is what you are needing deliverance from and what has been influencing and the double allegiance that is in your heart, being the spirit of error in their and under lady folly's influence...have u done a complete renouncing of the allegiance you had, I mean fully....and we will pray for you and also step into the path of deliverance for this situation and call upon His deliverance....Lord Jesus Christ, you know the situation, you know all hearts in this matter, you can see the beginning and the end...deliver Russ from what has been leading Him into the error of not only adultery but also spiritual adultery...Lord Jesus Christ, inspire Him, challenge Him to walk through this with You and in the strength and power of You we call upon Psalm 23 for this situation and release Russ from the temptation to end His life, and all unGodly temptations...we are calling upon draw near and the devil to flee...We are also calling upon YOu with your beautiful touch into Russ' wife and His family now, may the healing start and as all hearts are transformed into Your newness, may all be released from this nightmare of a situation and may calm and peace restore what the devourer stole....May Russ continue to see and experience your vision, your plans and your solutions and direction and surrender for the life you have for Him to live,a nd His family too and may Russ enter into the His home in the Body of Christ, into the heavenly realm you have prepared for Him ....Russ keep going and take that extra step,walk that extra mile, go that extra distance and you will get through this....at this time, don't focus on what is not happening, trust this situation into His hands and leave it there, and also focus on Him and the new love that you have with Lord Jesus Christ and strenthen this bond first, seek Him first then all will be added unto you. Lord Jesus Christ, set Russ free from the bonds of sin, and deliver Him fully and completly and perfectly into the beauty of Your Life and Your love and give to Him fully first the beauty of Your love, and may He know when this is so strong and is a John 14:20 experience, then we become married to Yu and then can be fully married to each other, in Lord Jesus Christ's name, amen.

Russ, here are beautiful verses for you to feed upon (will and works of the Lord) and drink in (believe)...and please give your wife the beautiful gift of His eternal time, along with His understanding and be merciful to her as He is merciful to You and has been...

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil. When a man's ways please the Lord, He maketh even his enemies to be at peace with Him...Proverbs 16:6-7

All for Love...(coming forth through Mia Fields and Hillsong music australia)

All for love a Father gave,
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cried
For Love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask,
and how many times have you heard me pray
Draw near to me.

Everything I need is You
My Beginning, My forever
Everything I need is You
Let me sing all for Love
I will join the angel song
Ever Holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of All
All for Love A Saviour Prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do,
let the cross draw man to You...

Russ if u send the words of this song to your wife, or even send her the song if you can get a copy of it, of which we could help you with... it will touch her because He loves us like this and calls upon us to not only love Him like this but to love each other like this too...

All for Love...(coming forth through Mia Fields and Hillsong music australia)

All for love a Father gave,
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cried
For Love was cruicified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask,
and how many times have you heard me pray
Draw near to me.

Everything I need is You
My Beginning, My forever
Everything I need is You
Let me sing all for Love
I will join the angel song
Ever Holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of All
All for Love A Saviour Prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do,
let the cross draw man to You...

and this is a song we are experiencing for women at present...

Glorify Your Name (brought forth through Darlene Zschech and David Holmes and Hillsong Music 2004)

Jesus Jesus
Holy One
You call me closer
Clearly like a song I've always known
You would play for me.

Jesus Jesus
On the Cross You took my shame
Forever from my heart I say
I live to worship You, Lord
My King of Glory
Your Brought me to Life
Gave me wings to fly (You are Holy)
Heaven and Earth declare Your Praise
Both Now and Evermore
I glorify Your name

the winds of change, the whirlwinds of Him....Sovereign Grace....Amazing

Glory, Honour, Power and Blessings in Lord Jesus Christ amen

Serenity Grace

Homeheart Ministeries,
His heart is in our home and our home is in His heart...John 14:20
it's all in his hands, heart, feet, mind and side and upon His back....or blood/ water,
love/fire, mercy-truth/earth, grace/glory-air, virtue/liberty,
(metal)=freedom=warm emersion and life under His covering...



the fullness and completion of Him into His perfection, Praise Lord Jesus Christ, amen.