I am hurting deeply from an unfaithful spouse and a failing marriage. My spouse's adultery has hurt me so much that I find myself unable to forgive. I cry most of the time because I lack the strength to forgive and I know that ultimately I am going to divorce her. Her behaviour has caused me considerable harm, financially, emotionally and especially in my progress in my academic life and in my relationship with God as I am not able to pray and fellowship properly with the bitterness, anger, distrust, sadness, and whatever you can think of within me. I sometimes have a desire to end my life and presently I am in one of such moods and I just happen to come across this discussion board.
I would like to know: (1)Am I required as a christian to be able to forgive immediately or is my inability to forgive natural of the fact that I am only human (this is not the first time and I feel my wife has spat my first forgiveness at my face) and would be able to forgive with time.
(2) Does forgiving her imply I have to continue with the marriage as I have clearly lost all love, trust and respect for my wife, without which I know any marriage will not survive. Though she claims it is not going to happen again, she said the same thing the first time and yet . . ., and I am not prepared to go through this problem again. I need help brethren!!!!
A lost and despairing brother

Brother Prince,

I pray that you find comfort and deliverance in Jesus. See, He was able to accomplish His mission of offering himself in perfect sacrifice for the salvation of us all despite having exact knowledge of the sins we all were, are and will be guilty of. It did not matter to Him what He saw in the hearts and minds of people. He kept His peace and endurance. His sight was on the higher meaning of things, His heart operated at the highest level of love, compassion and forgiveness. He did not allow any frustration, betrayal or opposition to overcome His quest for victory, justice and universal salvation. We would never be worth that awesome sacrifice if it were not for the fact that it was offered freely to us from God Almighty out of Grace and Love for His Creation.
He Loves YOU and stands by your side through this trial. He is the reason why you are alive and there is a purpose in your life that is bigger than your problems. I repeat, He Loves You, and it does not matter whether anyone else dishonours, underestimates or hurts you. The Son of God is your advocate. Call on Him earnestly.
Put and end to those spells of worthlessness and suicidal ideation by a willful act of faith. Cast them out in the Name of Jesus. Tomorrow shall be a better day and the joy to come will outweigh the sorrows of today.
Do not poison your heart anymore with negative feelings about your wife. She is amidst error and sin, lawlessness and spiritual death. I don't think she understands now how bad her situation is but she may... one day. Compassion and forgiveness towards her are the sentiments that you should be feeling now in order to be consistent with yourself. That does not mean that you need keep a marriage that is not working as it has been rendered ineffective by an act of immorality. Adultery is a serious spiritual and moral offense and you have already forgiven her before. Which means that she has not yet repented and a pattern of the same situation that is making you feel so miserable may ensue. No one forces you to put up with a person who does not want to be with you and has made it clear by acting in an unacceptable manner twice. Marriage is a serious commitment created by God and requires to be respected and honoured by both spouses.
I admire your strength, courage and loyalty.
Be blessed abundantly.

Jorge S.

Prince
I think Jorge's reply is excellent and agree with him. You CAN forgive her spiritually with God's help and strength by faith. Just remember we don't deserve his forgivness or salvation but we must be responsible for our own decisions weather to accept his gifts of salvation and choose weather to repent and spend eternity with him. When you forgive her you are not condoning her actions or denying your hurt and that is not her ticket to do it again freely. Jesus made the exception of adultry as a basis for divorce. You must not retain hate and be a bitter person but forgive her by faith out of obedience to God and release her to God for him to deal with. He will convict her and deal with her in his own way and time. Pray for her and walk in a spirit of lovetoward her like not speaking evil harsh words to her but telling her how she hurt you and your lack of trust in her and your decision to divorce her. We can pray for God to enlighten and help her and pray for a miracle. In the meantime, I pray for God's grace and mercy and healing to abound toward you and that he give you wisdom and guide you each day. Seek out christian fellowship, counselling, and teaching and read God's word daily, especially the Proverbs and Psalms. May the Joy of the Lord be your strength. Let God heal you for now and strengthen you. God will chasten your wife for her sins if she's a believer and draw her to himself and convict her of her sins if she is an unbeliever so release her to God.

Hello Prince,

Firstly, Brother Prince, my prayers are with you in the present storm you are in. Nothing compares to the pain of an unfaithful spouse and the internal brokeness in our hearts when it occurs. Our minds play many fanciful tricks on us as we think of our lack of future, lack of hope, and utter despair. The good news, Prince, is that the whole of scripture, the entire body of truth in God's kingdom, is full of hope, love, and forgiveness, as we all come to Him as sinners.

1. Are we required to forgive immediately?

God's Word has clear direction when we are wronged, either through a spouses adultery, a relative or friend cheats or lies to us, or any other manner of wrong. Infidelity in marriage is the wrong of greatest pain, as it should be, because the bond of trust and love is torn by the sin.

Consider what Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians: 4:31-32

31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Notice the word "Let" in the first verse. "Let" here is from the Greek word airo. It means to lift up, raise up, or cause to cease. In other words, we are called to forgive those who sin against us when we become aware of their sin. Hard to do? Assuredly yes! As we truely forgive, we lift our prayer to the Lord. We raise it up to Him who understands every pain in our heart, every tear in our eye, and every ache in our stomach. It is a voluntary process we go through. It doesn't happen through our emotion, our immediate feelings, or our logic. Truely, such an effort to forgive an unfaithful spouse requires excruiating effort, as it requires us to give up something of our "self".

Let not the enemy convice you that it is okay to revile your wife for a season. The enemy will take try to convince you to hang on to your wrath and gain support from others around you that you are justified in your feelings. God doesn't want us to be guided by our feelings, but by His Word and by our faith in Him.

2. Does forgiving your wife imply you must continue with your marriage?

Your forgiveness of your wife implies nothing. Your forgiveness to your wife is extended in obedience to God's Word. However, your vows before God bind you to your marriage. You have no control over whether your wife files for divorce from you, but you are not permitted to divorce her. She is your wife and you are to love her as you love yourself. Consider God's Word to husband in Ephesians:

Ephesians 5:21-33:
"21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Brother Prince, you have indicated your wife wishes to have another chance. You have also indicated you are not prepared to go through another episode of infidelity. We in and of our selves are not prepared for many painful challenges, but with God's presence and the Holy Spirit in us, we can do what seems impossible. You and your wife are one flesh. That is why the tearing of the flesh through adultry hurts so much. The tearing can be healed and will be if you let it occur. It does take time, and in the end, your wife may leave you for her own fleshly wants. You cannot stop her, but you can extend God's love to her as we are called to do.

God bless you Prince. You and your wife are in my prayers.

Nick P.

I pray that when your wife turns to you, that she does it with all her heart; I also pray that you do learn to forgive each other - comming from a failed relationship I know what it is like to live with someone that did not forgive me & whom I refused to firgive; the mistrust & constant remider of past issues can lead to a future break up & whatever we want we gotta remember God hates divorce. I pray that you & your wife are on the same level in the important things - like your relationship with God - as it says not to be yoked together uneaqually because when people are on different levels it is hard to communicate among other things. Know that God's love for you is so immense that it is quite simply immeasurable. He wants to comfort you in your pain if you will let him. Remember it says that we can boldly have access to the throne of grace now; so take advantage of that promise on your knees & get into the Father's presence. Also remember that he lets us go through things so that we can comfort others with the comfort that we have recieved of him. I pray that our Holy Father fills you with his love & understanding; also the strength to obey him in whatever course he leads you.

I love the fact that we have such Godly people who are committed to ministering on this board. Thank you all very much!

Nick, I really appreciate the way you counsel with so much sound scripture. VERY well done!!

Prince, God sent you here for a definite purpose. You have some wise advice here. I strongly encourage you to pray through what has been said and follow. You will never be disappointed with taking steps to trust God more.