Is it wrong for a married Christian man to befriend a single/divorced woman (at work or home)? I know that the attitude of the heart is the deciding factor. I want to introduce her to my wife and develop a friendship and share the gospel but at the same time the Lord seems to keep me aware of the possibility of ruining my witness. Although the relationship is innocent and I take great strides to keep it that way, I know that others could damage my witness or slander me or her. I was just trying to sort this out because I am totally confused and can't figure out if God is leading me to this person or if Satan is trying to bring me down.
I love this person in the Lord as a Sister But is there a biblical way to look at how a man and woman...other than his wife can be friends??? Or should a Married man avoid other woman and not have Friends of the opposite sex?

Brad,

Since your number one relationship is your wife, you need to respect how she feels about this. If you are both secure in a strong marriage and she approves of your friendship, I do not see any problem with it. You will need to be careful to avoid any appearance of impropriety and include your wife whenever you can.

My husband has been a businessman for many years and has taken out women for business dinners without me. I found out that some in our community had thought we were divorced and this is one of the few reasons I can think they would think so. So even innocent meetings can have an effect on your witness.

Oddly enough, most of my long enduring friendships have been with males. What has made our friendships successful is they are mostly all Christians and if there was any hint of impropriety, it would end. One lives in another city. We have conversed by telephone and e-mail over the years. He almost always calls me on my birthday. He married one of my friends, but he still is a better friend to me than she. Another lives in another city quite a distance away. I have seen him this past year twice. Before that it was three years. Our relationship is based upon prayer – as I pray for him and his family almost daily. Another friend is not a Christian who lives in the same city. I have not seen him in a number of years, but were I to see him today, he would still acknowledge me as a friend because of the bond we have had in the past.

All relationships are different. This is one I would commit to prayer, then follow how the Lord leads.

Blessings,

Chelki

Brad21,

I think that the answer to your question depends greatly on your situation and your wife being comfortable. I have had to deal with the same situations at my work. I believe that Chelki provided some good wisdom to your situation. I will pray that God gives you direction in this area. Thanks for bringing this to the message board because this is an important area for married people to bring before God. I think you are on the right track in your sensitivity toward doing what God wants.

Thank you for your answers and prayers. I agree that my wife HAS to be comfortable with the situation and I could not let ANY impropriety be allowed. I would like for her to become a friend to my wife as well. I see her as my sister in Christ but I know how un-intended remarks by others who don't understand that a relationship can be platonic. Gossip can ruin a relationship or marriage as well and I can never let that happen. I guess that is why I have had so much concern about being a friend to a woman. I hope I am making sense?

Brad21,

Absolutely, I agree with you. I will be praying that God will be with you as you witness through your actions and/or words to this person.

Hello Brad,

Permit me to share several thoughts with you on your question.

1. A single divorced man or woman is vulnerable to love extended to them, especially from one who is similar in age and perhaps attractive to you as well and of the opposite sex. Although you love this woman as a “sister in the Lord”, such love can blossom in time into a more romantic love that you may not intend at this time. You already know this, as evidenced by your message.

The information you provide is only written from your own perspective, however. As you provide counsel to your friend, provide Godly advice and support and share the gospel with her, you are placing yourself in a direct line for her affections. Such affection is very difficult to control, despite your good intentions. A loving friendship with the opposite sex can progress to levels not initially intended by either person. Once the heart begins to guide us in relationships like this, it is very difficult to turn off the emotions of love, Brad.

Be aware of sharing of personal, intimate aspects of your lives with each other. Such friendships develop in this way. She will confide in you and you in her. You will laugh a lot with her and in times of sorrow, perhaps cry a little too, as her hurts and weaknesses are shared with you. You, of course will listen, and provide comfort, support, and a friendly shoulder to lean on. The relationship will deepen. Your compassion to be a good friend at times may lead you to hold her and physical contact will further cement your bond to this woman who is not your wife. Your female friend will bond with you and you will have set up the situation that can lead to destruction of your family.

2. Seeking to involve your wife in the friendship can be a way of simply validating your attraction to this woman. It absolves you of guilt when you are thinking of the woman rather than your wife. After all, your wife is friends with her too, right?

Brad, put yourself in your wife’s place. She comes home and tells you that she is having lunch with another man once or twice per month and that she spends her work breaks with him too. She “loves him in the Lord” and really believes you would like him too! What do you think, want to meet him and perhaps hang around with him on Saturdays, just you three?

You are asking too much for your wife to acquiesce to this woman’s place in your life. Out of love for you and in an attempt to keep some type of communication and awareness of your relationship with the woman friend, she may simply say “yes, it is ok”. That doesn’t mean that it is REALLY ok.

3. In reality, it doesn’t really matter what I think, your wife thinks, or your pastor thinks of a subject if God has already spoken on the matter. The Lord has spoken to us in Roman’s 14 of matters that could cause “stumbling blocks” for believers and non-believers alike. Plainly said, if a situation, habit, activity, if “anything” in our life could cause someone to stumble in their faith or hurt your testimony in Christ, it is “unclean” or sinful.

Romans 14

12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
14 I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.

4. In your initial post, you stated that “I know that the attitude of the heart is the deciding factor”. I disagree, respectifully. The hearts attitude, our emotions, cannot be the deciding factor. An author onced asked: Emotions, can we trust them? No, we cannot. David could not trust them, nor could Adam or Eve. Why do we believe we can trust our own emotions? We can’t.

Obedience to God sometimes is painful, especially when emotions are involved. The enemy loves to torment believers in such matters, creating doubt, guilt, and justification when our heart is being pulled by an opposite sex.

Brad, you have raised an issue that perhaps should be asked by many Christian men and women today. I congratulate you for having the courage to ask it. My prayers will be with you as you determine how God would have you proceed.

Nick P.

Brad,

Nick has brought up some very good points. All of my closer relationships with men are married men – perhaps its because I feel safer in that relationship. I think having a friendship with a single woman has added another dimension to the relationship that you may not want to risk. The need for ministry also adds another dimension. If the purpose is to minister to her because she is in need of ministry, overall it would be better to find another woman who would be willing to do that.

I do not think God intends for us to make a blanket rule for having friendship with the opposite sex. We are individual and relationships are individual, so we must seek God's face and seek to glorify Him in all we do.



Blessings,

Chelki

Brad -

My experience with this very topic resulted in me losing my spouse in October of last year and I am still reeling from the whole experience.

At first I didn't object to the "friendship" as I absolutely trusted my spouse and it had all the appearances of being innocent. However, after a while I became uncomfortable with the "friendship" and dispite my objections, the "friendship" continued. We divorced. They are getting married in October.

Motive is everything and only you and God truly know your motives. Truly search your heart. But my advice to you is to run and flee from any resemblance of evil. Do not place yourself, this woman, your wife or marriage in a place where you may be tempted to move away from the very gift God gave you. That is when Satan can get you and destroy you, your marriage and potentially your wife and also further damage this already hurting woman.

Brad, esteem your marriage (your commitment and covenant not only to your wife but also to God) over your need to minister. There will be plenty of other opportunities to minister to other people. There are also other people available to minister to this woman. You are not the only one and most likely are not the one God intends for the woman to be ministered by. My heart tells me that you are not...but you have to decide.

I will pray for you Brad that God settles this in your heart once and for all. As I read these posts I sense an overwhelming presence of the Spirit of God warning you to step back from this. However, you must be the judge of that and discern for yourself what God's desire is.

The other thing I want to share with you is that in your post you used the phrase "I am totally confused and can't figure out if God is leading me to this person or if Satan is trying to bring me down." Scripture makes it clear that God is not the author of confusion. So if you are confused, it is absolutely from Satan and yes he is trying to destroy you. The Word of God says that Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy.

Brad, this may seem a bit strong, but brother I do not want you to put yourself in a situation where you potentially make a huge mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Let God take care of ministering and bringing someone else to minister to this woman's needs. You need to leave it alone.

Howard

The scripture that comes to mind is in Romans, it says "Let not then your good be evil spoken of" And also the other one that says "Abstain from the very appearance of evil"

I heard a story about Billy Grahm & it went like this - when he became a minister he was convicted or decided to not even enter an elevator alone with a woman (who is not his wife) so as to not even appear to have an opprotunity to do something inappropriate. I personally have a messenger business & find it impractical to follow that practice myself; but I am not in the ministry full time; if I were then it definately sounds like a good idea.

I was taught that if you want to minister to someone of the opposite sex, that you should do it in a group setting (not nessisarily you & a bunch of people of the opposite sex, but a group that consists of both sexes), or hand off the person to someone else that shares the same sex as the person that needs ministering.

There is nothing wrong with having a freind of the opposite sex; but if you feel that you are tempted to do something inapropriate then I suggest removing yourself from the situation. Just like if I want to quit tobacco it is a good idea for me not to hang around my friends that smoke tobacco, as I will be tempted to smoke & I can alliviate that by removing myself from the situation.

I hang out at a friends house often; the friends are a couple. Now some of the women that are their friends won't come in & hang out if the woman of the house isn't there, just out of respect for that woman & some men won't come around & hang out unless the man of the house is there; so you can try that approach & not let her into your house unless your wife is home, and not go to her house unless your wife is with you.

If your relationship with your wife is solid & you have integrity then she should not pay attention to someone who is trying to slander you about your relationship with your female friend; however if you are guilty of lust or anything like that then your wife doesn't need someone else to tell her, she can see it for herself, or God can tell her; he knows everything we do in secret. And nothing shall remain hidden that shall not be revealed.

I also want to say that I am sorry for your loss Howard & I am praying for you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Slade,

Brother Brad,
Thanks for your question. It's an interesting one and I praise you for your honesty and courage in posting it.
The brothers and sisters who replied have done so superbly well and you should take care in praying and meditating over this issue.
Your post gives an overall feeling of danger, not because of the matter itself but because it reveals uncertainty. It looks like you are tempted in some way and know what to do but need assurance and strength to do it. Perhaps you also feel uneasy at the idea of being unkind to a sister who, apparently, requires your help.
It feels dangerous to bring that third person into your marriage in any way. At the same time, it is not clear what the intentions of that person are.
Mark 14;28 “Keep watching and praying that you may not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
A good read regarding this situation is found in Proverbs Chapter 2: "The pursuit of wisdom brings security."
Stay Blessed.

Brad,
I agree with Howard and Nick.
This woman friend is vulnerable and needs a relationship, but the relationship she needs ISN'T one you can give her.

If she wants to learn about God, there are many who can counsel her. If you have a strong need to help her, then ask your wife to accompany you and NEVER see her alone. Even in public places with nothing "funny" going on, just BEING "alone" with her will raise questions if anyone who knows you sees you. You should not EVER take out her to dinner (or even out to lunch or anywhere else) by yourself. If you have a breakroom at work AND there are other people around, that MAY be safe, but don't count on it. Don't take her ANYWHERE (aside from open/public office areas) without your wife.
If your wife can't join you, DON'T GO.

This protects all three of you. Your wife won't have anything to worry about if she's always there, anyone seeing you out won't wonder what is going on if your wife is there also, you don't have to worry about impropriety if your wife is there, and your friend will not wonder what your motivativation is (or if perhaps she has a chance with you) if your wife is there.

If your friend is overwrought and crying, your wife can comfort her rather than you doing so.

If your wife is unwilling to participate, then you must remove yourself as well. Your marriage should come first.

If you are unwilling to end the friendship - no offense intended - you might need to look into your heart for your TRUE motivation. YHVH won't encourage you to a relationship that hurts your marriage.

And lastly, there is no way to know what your friend's motive might be either. It could be she's looking for a closer relationship with you, and that you don't need.

So, pray, LISTEN for the answer, be considerate of your wife/marriage, and tread very carefully - there could be snakes you don't realize are there.

Shalom,
Kat

this was a great reading, thank you brad for asking the question and thanks everyone else for the good advice this is not only help brad but opened my eyes as well. I believe I will continue using this board I believe I will learn a lot, thanks again