My daugher walked out of the house & light up a ciggarette this morning - I don't live with her at this time but I got a call from her mother about it - I wrote her the following note:

"Mom told me that you are still smoking & that you asked Sean to lie for you about it. - I am concerned - you are living your life so you can't see it from my perspective but I was right in your shoes once - being a delinquent & hanging with delinquents & let me say simply that you are on the wrong road. It seems like a carefree lifestyle to you but you are taking the first steps toward major pain. Sweetheart there will be plenty of time to be an adult when you are an adult; you don't have to start early because what will happen is you will wind up missing your childhood. The main thing that I am trying to say is I don't want to see you lying face-down in a ditch somewhere after you been raped or wandering out into traffic or jumping off a building because you are high outta your mind. That is just a small sample of what can happen to you as a result of your choice to disobey your mother & the law by starting smoking now - you are not even 16 yet & you are shorter than your sister - if you stunt your growth by smoking before you are done growing you can also be robbing your self of valuable inches you could have grown upwards...

Perhaps one day you will realize that smoking isn't what it's cracked up to be. I just hope that by then it's not too late & you are not a slave to it like so many smokers today. I bet you didn't realize but the people who make money off ciggarettes are the same people who used to have slaves (decendants) & that the tobacvco empires that we are supplying with swimming pools & lear jets by pumping their pockets full of cash made those empires off the backs of your great grandparents.

All I know is your lucky that I don't live with you still to this day because in my opinion you are not to old for a spanking. I dont want to just scold you & scold you I want to love you & I always will love you regardless of your behavior but your behavior has consequenses - if you persist in breaking the law by smoking tobacco before you are 18 you can wind up in DH & I know from personal experience that is no fun & you can give yourself bad luck by continuing on a criminal pattern & winding up in real jail after you do turn 18 or even 16 if you commit a crime that is bad enough. I dont appreciate the idea of you commiting crimes & I am scared to death for you because like I said before you are walking down a road that I already traveled & it's no good. Perhaps the only friends you can make are the delinquents & perhaps you feel like they are the oinly ones who understand you & or care for you but regardless wether you believe it or not your mother & I do care for & understand you better than you think. However unlike your delinquent friends we have your best interests at heart - all they care about is having a good time regardless of the consequenses.

Did you ever stop to think how lighting up a ciggarette in front of your own house is disprepectful? And expecting Sean to lie about it was pretty dumb; he is my friend, not yours & he, like me has your best interests at heart wich is why he told mom. Don't be mad at him, be mad at yourself - if you didn't disobey the rules than you would not be recieving the consequenses of your actions.

Alissa - the only reason why I even took the time to write this note is because I love you. I don't want the road you travel to lead you to homelessness, drug addiction & or prostitution. There is a lot more to life than being accepted by delinquents. If you overdose at one of their houses 9x out of 10 they will not even give you aid but dump you somewhere else so they wont get into trouble."

So the question I am asking is can you give me any suggestions as to how I should handle this? I mean is there anything you would say to your kids about it that I left out?

Thanks for your help

Slade

Slade,

I share your pain, as I have been there more than I care to remember. Unfortunately, it's most likely that anything you say will go unheard. I have said almost the exact same things to my daughter, and my mother the same with me. They do not think like adults because they aren't adults.

Like you said, you were in her shoes once. It wasn't easy for you to be a teen, and that is something that will never change...teenage years are hard and confusing (I absolutely hated mine). None of us was a perfect kid when we were teens, and I have found it a bit less painful to try to remember when I was a teen. It's not easy for anyone. Understanding is the best thing you can do for her and try not to be too much of a dictator.

And the part about "did you ever stop to think"...NO, teens don't do that...they are determined to do as they wish and a parent "harping" on them makes them even more determined to go against what the grown-ups disapprove of. Telling a teen that they are not too old to be spanked only makes them laugh at you.

I have 5 kids, 2 are adults, 2 are 16 and 1 is 10, so I have had my share of what teens are all about. I remember when I was a teen, I was defiant as well. One of my 16 year olds has spent the better part of 2 years in lock up and once he's out, he goes right back to the same junk he was doing before. It is impossible to save someone from themselves. If they don't want help and/or don't want to listen, there's nothing you can do.

Have you read the story of Stacey? She has the most awesome parents and loving Christian home any girl could have but still chose to take a path that was only trouble. She has learned a lot from her experiences though.

When young adults are figuring out what path of life they want to take, they oftentimes choose the one that's not paved and is full of potholes and thorns. They won't come off of that road unless/until they have had enough knocks and scratches.

I have one that doesn't seem will EVER get off that road. It's their way of separating from the parents and trying to assert their individuality. Again, totally normal.

Your daughter knows you love her and that it hurts you to know what she is doing. However, right now she's not thinking of you or your feelings. She is thinking of her own life and what she wants. It's not about you, it's about her.

In my opinion, at some point, parents have to let their kids fall on their faces and figure out how to get up from it. It is hard and excruciating as a parent to back off and watch it happen, but it's necessary.

Remember that God is always there with her and He is also always there with you. What your daughter is doing is not a reflection on your parenting skills, she's trying to use the wings that are sprouting.

I am sure you have been the best Dad you can possibly be for her, and she knows it too. One day she'll get it, and then she'll have regrets...all of which are pretty normal. Teenage girls are much harder to take care of...ask any Dad with daughters!

You can tell your daughter of all the dangers and risks of certain behaviors, but unless and until she really cares, all of the words will fall on deaf ears. I am very empathetic to your situation. I have been there many times and every time hurts just as bad as the one before.

The good news is, this too shall pass. As I was reading your post, I could picture your daughter going "blah, blah, blah...I'm my own person and I have to find stuff out for myself...if I just agree he'll stop talking...blah, blah, blah" complete with the sighs and eye rolling.

I will be praying for you and your family. I know how hard this is for you. I don't know if I helped you at all, but I can definitely understand your pain.

May the peace of God surround you in this anxious time. Hang in there and know that God's got it covered!

Your Sister in Christ,
Brenda

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Brenda,

Hi Slade! how are things with you 1st. of all! , and how are things with your Daughter?

http://gdwmboard.org/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/7806062801/m/55410399231


but no! you have not! in my opinion, omitted anything but this is what I did mostly with myself! as to that kind of issue, taking heed of myself unto my Lord, but still as it seems that way even before I had 1st. turned mylife over to GOD and his Son, so then! as you had did, you just humble yourself unto the mighty hands of God as to her actions is now over to GOD and his precious Son, which is still our Lord! but you would carful for nothing, but to make ALL YOUR ! supplications unto him! as to your lifestyle only, because as you had begun a new life in Christ,

please Slade! as you would attempt to try and do good yourself, and as much as what I have the love for my daughter also, but I still had to obey the words of life from My Lord for myself also, and that I'am sure you are aware of our Lord promises as far as our offsprings yourself, wright? so then! as you don't spare the rod then you must also live the life yourself, so that God on her behalf may be gloryfied from her only,

but please! let us know of what and how the Lord have shared with you all, ok?

I' am not leaving any scriptures for this issue, but I will be in prayer that God may show himself strong in that whole matter, ok?

love always,

Thank you both, I haven't heard any new bad reports about her & her delinquent friends lately but she is facing the possibility of being held back a grade...