This is something I find extrememly difficult to do as I suppose do most Christians.

I am going through a time of extreme turmoil and change in my life. Over the last 18 months so much has happened to me, the loss of both my parents, moving home ( from a 3 bedroom house that I shared with my parents, into a one bedroom flatlet under my sister's house) and losing jobs, ending my engagement. I have no means to suport myself and apart from the odd temp job am totally dependant on my sister. In this time, I had turned away from Christ and really lost my sense of self and my identity.

Over the last two months, I have turned back to the Lord, disciplining myself to spend a specific quiet time with Him every single day as well as talking to Him constantly during the day and praying. (I choose to wake up at 5am before anyone else is awake, and see the dawn arrive with the Lord)

I have also started going to Church again. As have my sister, her partner and her little girl for the first time in years. It is nice to go to Church and worship as a family, I have not had that in a very very long time as both my folks were frail and house bound for years.

So there are blessings indeed. But of course ... the attacks are happening, and it is these that I find difficult to deal with.

A temp job I am doing that I had been told would end in a permanent job isn't. A terrible fight and argument between my sister and myself, where all her rage and anger and family hurt from everything that has happened in her life over the last forty odd years was hurled at me. At the moment there is a huge distance between us that neither of us quite knows how to breach! Of our original core family unit, she and I are the only survivors as both my brothers have passed on too. I do of course have extended family
The alternator burned out in my car this week, costing my sister money to repair.

Yesterday the people I am doing the temp job for, docked my salary by almost R500 because of the day I was not able to attend work when my car packed in.

I am overwhelmed and feel very alone. My sister etc have bought a house of their own, smaller, and I feel I am being called to find a little place of my own where I can take care of myslef and not be a burden anymore I am excited but also very scared. I do not have the means right now, and although my sister has offered to pay moving costs and my deposit, my not having a permanent income affects this move. I overwhelmingly miss both my folks but especially my mother who was also my best friend.

So how do I find the blessings?
I am only just starting, and instead of looking for the huge blessings which are beyond my state of mind at the moment, I am looking at the many little ones.
I am blessed that the damage to my car was not worse.
I am blessed that the alternator blew when I was just a little way away from home, and not stranded on the highway.
I am blessed to have a roof over my head and food to eat, even though I am a burden to my family.
I am blessed that the temp positions I have had over the last couple of months, have taught me / re-awakened skills that I have not used for a long time.
I am blessed that I have a computer and the internet and am able to make contact with other Christians.
I am blessed in my sister
I am blessed that I had my parents right into my mid forties.

I think most of all, I am blessed that I have enough knowledge and Christian background to realise that these are attacks on my ever deepening faith by the evil one.

This is a blessing indeed!

Dear Rose,

God Bless You! You are so Loved. My dear sister in Christ. Saints who love Jesus and are called for his purpose do get attacked. The world is a sinners paradise Rose and if you live in it, well it is easy to fall from your calling.

The Bible tells us God says "Be still and know that I am God" When I know this Rose, All is well.....I feel your pain and my prayers go out for you......You called out to the Lord during your tough times. You are not at a bar drowning your sorrow or using some other addiction to hide the pain or anger of the past. GOOD FOR YOU ROSE!

BACK UP HAS ARRIVED.....I AM A HUMBLE SERVANT FOR CHRIST JESUS! MY DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY HELPS FULLFILL MY CALLING (ROMANS 8:28). I COME ALONG SIDE FALLEN SAINTS WHO ARE ATTACKED AND SHOW THEM HOW TO SURROUND THEMSELVES WITH MEN AND WOMEN OF GOD. TO WAKE UP PRAISING GOD AS YOUR EMAIL SHOWS YOU DO. WHEN I AM EXHAUSTED AND LONELY LIKE YOU. I START TO PRAY, PRAISE AND WORSHIP GOD......HE SENDS WARRIOR/ANGELS IN THE FORM OF FRIENDS TO LISTEN AND PRAY.

I AM A STATE POLICE OFFICER BY PROFFESSION (A PEACEMAKER-BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS FOR THEY WILL BE CALLED THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF GOD SAYS THE BIBLE) SO YOU CAN FEEL SAFE, I AM NOT SOME BAD PERSON ROSE. BEEN SHOT AT IN THE LINE OF DUTY 2 XS. RUN OVER BY DRUNK DRIVERS 3 XS.

WELL, MY DEAR SISTER, KNOW THAT YOU HAVE CHRISTIAN WARRIORS WHO LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER AND READY TO LISTEN.

GOD BLESS YOU ROSE